The 5 Stages of Male Drunkenness

The 5 Stages of Male DrunkennessThe Smart, The Good-Looking, The Rich, The Invincible & The Invisible...

Stage 1: Smart

"I wish I were sine squared and you were cosined squared, because together we could be one."

Okay, so, he’s ‘Mr. Smart Guy’. He thinks he is, at least. He suddenly becomes an expert on every subject in the known universe. He thinks he knows everything, and wants to pass his knowledge on to anyone who will listen. He thinks he is always right and of course, arguing with ‘Mr. Smart guy’ makes you equally as ‘smart’, if not, ‘smarter’.

Stage 2: Good-Looking

If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?

The ‘Good-Looking’ guy will approach any perfect stranger knowing she fancies him and really wants to talk to him because he is the best-looking man in the entire bar (and possibly on the entire planet). Sure, he can charm any woman simply because he is ‘good-looking’ and ‘smart’ and he can talk to a chick about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3: Rich

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

Everybody wants to hang out with the rich guy because he’ll buy everyone drinks! He can buy drinks for the entire bar because he has an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. He can also make bets at this stage, because of course he's still ‘smart’, so naturally, he will win all bets. It doesn't matter how much he bets, because he is ‘rich’. He will also buy drinks for every woman he fancies, because he is also now the best-looking man in the universe.

Stage 4: Invincible

Hi, who's your friend?

He is now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom he has been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt him. At this point, he can also approach the partners of the women he fancies, and challenge them to a battle of the wits or money. He has no fear of losing this battle, because he is ‘smart’, and ‘rich’, and, hell! he' is better-looking than any of these losers!

Stage 5: Invisible

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

The final stage of drunkenness. At this point, he can do anything, because no one can see him. He dances on tables to impress the women he fancies, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see him. He is also invisible to the angry lesbian who wants to bash his skull in with a pool cue. He can walk through the street singing at the top of his lungs because no one can see or hear him, and because he is still ‘smart’, and ‘rich’, and -- oh, hell, you know the rest.

After stage 5, it’s pretty much game over. Once, he’s reached this stage, there’s no turning back. He will pass out and he doesn’t care where. He’s lucky enough if someone just leaves him in the bathroom. If he’s really unlucky, he’ll become ‘The Christmas Tree’ or ‘The Whiteboard’. That's self-explanatory.